Chrissy Teigen opened up in a heartbreaking essay about the recent loss of her son Jack at 20 weeks pregnant.
The model and cookbook author posted the essay to Medium and Instagram on Tuesday where she opened up about being diagnosed “with partial placenta abruption.” In the note, she recalled the time she spent at the hospital due to heavy bleeding and when “it was time to say goodbye” to her baby.
“We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all,” wrote Teigen. “Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness.”
“Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again,” she continued. “Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
The picture Chrissy is referencing is from the heartbreaking series of black and white photos she shared of herself and John in the hospital. “I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was,” Teigen wrote in her essay. “I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it.”
“He hated it. I could tell,” Teigen said. “It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
Teigen concluded by explaining that she wrote the essay “because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so.”
“Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see,” she said. “Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
Read the entire essay penned by Chrissy Teigen below:
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I didn’t know how to come back to real life so I wrote this piece for Medium with hopes that I can somehow move on but as soon as I posted it, tears flew out because it felt so….final. I don’t want to ever not remember jack. . . Thank you to everyone who has been so kind. Thank you to the incredible doctors who tried so hard to make our third life a reality. Thank you to my friends and family and our entire household for taking care of me through all the adult diaper changes, bed rest and random hugs. Thank you John for being my best friend and love of my life. A lot of people think of the woman in times like this but I will never forget that john also suffered through these past months, while doing everything he could to take care of me. I am surrounded, in a human therapy blanket of love. I am grateful and healing and feel so incredibly lucky to witness such love.